I cannot go forward, nor backward. I feel emptier day by day. Even at last 26th, I still feel extremely happy because of Ryann's called, I feel empty now. Can you just stay with me, here? :'( I need him to rely on, to strengthen me everyday. He is too busy with his works, which is sometimes I feel proud with him. No, I will always be a proud friend of him. 

Today, I had an argue with my mother. Like, my good is WOULD NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH for her. Like, what should I do to make her proud? I've been trying so hard to do what she wants. She is so damn perfectionist sometimes. I don't hate her, just now I feel strange with her, like I don't belong in here, in my own house. Then, where should I go?

Where should I go?

 

Are you sure this is the world of dreams and reveries? :|

 

 

still?

 

 

I miss you hey, Rian. :( Why so diligent do your deadlines and ignored me? :'(

Thanks to my Lord who always giving me strength to live this life. I don't want to be sad anymore. I'm trying to be happy day by day. Even though there are people who always try to bring me down, I'll just let them.. They would get bored too, noticed that I would never pay attention to what they did to me. I just don't give a fuck to them. I will just focus with people who care and appreciate my existence.

Since I couldn't stay too long (anymore) in front of PC which makes me sad, I really depend on my Blackberry (yeah I know, this is sad). Doing chat, blogging, tweeting, or just reblogging something from tumblr, my Blackberry has given me its best so far. Can I trade my Blackberry and have the  Android, dad? :D I'm doing some projects now, I wish I would get a new one after everything is finished.

Now I'm wondering, am I still be able to stay up, chat with Saloua until the sun comes out? 

Am I still be able to just surfing the tabs, scrolls down 9gag and get laughed all night long? 

Once I have forced to do that, and I ended up sick. Loss of immunity. What the hell is happening to me anyway? :'((((((

Everytime I'm about to get my periods, I always feel pain that gets worse on my breast. :'(((((

Thanks to God again, for a good friend who always there, encourage me, giving me spirit to stay positive. :) 

Ever get the feeling that your life is going nowhere?

I want to travel Europe, Asia, and my country, before I die

Can I meet David too before I die? :'(( I wish you've got a chance to read this, that you'll always be my space comrade until the end of time. I know this is too much, but I'm just trying to be honest.

 

Suddenly feel sleepy... I just woke up! #selfslap :'| 

 

I am nothing but a space occupier, misfire, woe supplier, no desire, don't aspire to be anyone or do anything, but expire. 

 

S

I feel miserable everytime I got yelled by anyone. I got yelled for the mistake I haven't done. Like my blood pressure raising and trying to explode thru my brain. And then I've got headache. 

I always try to give my best to my parents, my family. But all I do is pissed my mother and my siblings. When I was trying to say what I wanted to say, they always take it wrong and it is always ended up twisted. That's why most of the time, I keep silent. 

I don't feel safe in my own crib. Once in my life time, one of my family members did harassment to me. Now I always feel a very severe traumatic which end up with hatred to that person. I wish I could mention him. You will be shocked. My parents know about this, and everytime I make space between him, they always mad of me because of that. They say I'm not a good sister. Like, I'm just....I don't know what to do...but I always feel angry everytime I saw him. Like, can you just understand my feelings and my position in this family? I don't belong in here. I don't belong in anywhere. I feel like a burp in a symphony called family! I just wanna disappear from this life! 

I've got no friends, I've got no boyfriend to tell them about this. I don't have any guts to tell them. I don't want them to end up hate my family. I just.......really, I don't know what to do with my life anymore. I'm not planning anything in future. I don't wish. I don't plan. I don't dream. 

And when you realized you've got cyst (kista) on your breast, what can you do with your future? 

I think I'm just waiting my 'time' to disappear from this life. 

 

Nobody knows the real me. Nobody knows how many times I've lost hope, how many times I've sat in my room and cried. How many times I've been betrayed, how many times I've been let down. Nobody knows how many times I've hold back tears. How many times I've felt like I'm about to snap but don't, just for the sake of others. Nobody knows the thoughts that go through my head whenever I'm sad, how horribly they truly are. Nobody knows me, and that's what I like most.

 

S

 

Married or not you should read this...

“When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed -dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce.— At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband….

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.

So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don’t share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage. Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

It's been 1 month I guess sine my last post. Right? I was busy studying, doing homeworks, and preparing for the mid test. Wish me luck.

Now, I'm crazy in love with Android smartphone!! I want to trade my blackberry and buy Samsung Galaxy Ace! Oh my God! I am so craving in that phone! 

I have to wait until the price is fall down to 2 million rupiah, sooooo I wouldn't cost that much of my savings for it! Until now, its price has reached to 2,3 million rupiah. ALMOST! CLOSER TO 2 MILLION RUPIAH!

I think I'm a gadget freak. I love to explore things, not just using it. I need to know how it is works, and how can I fix troubles if it's happens in future. 

 

I haven’t been doing this for the longest time. I can’t remember when was the last time I did this. Early in the morning, sitting down in front of PC with my cuppa coffee while everyone is still sleeping…its so quiet.. I get a better view of my world..and writing it down on my moleskine. I miss this.

So many things happened in the last 2 months. Things I’ve never imagined. What I’ve come to realize is quite monumental. I feel like I’ve taken a whole new leap, new direction and attitude towards life. I feel like a new different person. A better me.

One thing I’ve come to accept and realized is that..one thing is certain…in my life the saying, “reach for your goals and dreams,” and planning ahead..it doesn’t work that way with me. I don’t dream. I don’t hope. I don’t wish. It is what it is. I just do with what’s in front of me. And the one that holds it all together is faith. When I started to accept this.. life becomes much simpler, lighter, peaceful and in harmony.

I don’t know what the future holds. I only know what kind of person I have to be and need to be. Everything else will fall into place naturally. What is mine, will be mine. What is not mine, will not be. I shall never try to forcefully take something that doesn’t belong to me.

 

A life like this has been brought a lot of peace, don't you realize that?

 

When I was making this, there were people talking about me. They are so fake. I know who they are, and you know what, they are not good enough from me. So why should I feel upset? Time will shows everything. We can just wait. 

 

S